This isn’t a post about friendship gone wrong or a knife in my back. This is me musing about my lack of friends, and what, if any, impact it has on me as a person.

For most of my life I have been a loner. I wasn’t the super awkward kid growing up, but I can say I didn’t fit in with most of my peers in elementary, middle, and high school. I kept to myself and I didn’t go out of my way to make friends with anyone. My closest friend in high school was the same close friend I met and befriended in second grade. I found in her commonalities that I couldn’t easily find in the rest of the kids in my class. We remained close until we went off to college and eventually lost touch.

Despite my fondness for being a loner I did find some popularity in high school. I was elected Junior class president and then the following year I was elected student president. Boys adored me though the feeling was never returned. Girls generally hated me or were indifferent to me because I was the “pretty stuck up good girl.”

In college at Spelman I met and befriended a group of black women. These were probably the best black women I have ever met in my life. However, after college I didn’t bother to keep in touch with any of them (or vice versa).

Now at 30 I find it hard to form friendships with anyone. I guess at my age people already have the friends they will have for the rest of their lives. Most of us probably stop making friends in our early 20s. After that we move on and start families.

For whatever reason, friendship hasn’t been something at the top of the list for me. Maybe this was a mistake on my part. Perhaps if I had more friends certain aspects of my life would be different. However, I question whether or not forming friendships is worth it. Given some of my past experiences, whenever I have grown close to someone or befriended them they eventually show me their colors (and perhaps I show them mine). We eventually fall out and stop speaking.

It’s hard to trust people these days. The older I get the more I distrust people. I can’t see this changing anytime soon.