I’m not completely out of the closet. Let me explain…

I noticed that most of my coworkers have pictures of their girlfriend/boyfriend, spouse, and kids up on their desk. Those who are single have pictures of their mom, dad, and siblings up.

I don’t have any of the above on my desk.

This is partly because I’m a private person. I have never been the type of person to keep family pictures on my desk. However, if I’m honest with myself, it’s also because I don’t want anyone asking me questions.

For as long as I’ve been a working adult I have never put up a single picture of a me and a girlfriend. Why? If I’m honest with myself it’s because I don’t want my coworkers asking me questions about this part of my life.

I don’t want to be the center of gossip. I don’t want to be discriminated against. In short, I don’t want to be viewed as different or “other.”

I don’t think most of my white coworkers care. I can’t say the same about my black coworkers, who are nosy as hell.

I hate other people in my business. I hate being the center of attention. I hate facing homophobia from black people, which can be brutal.

Another reason I say I’m still in the closet is because I recently reactivated my personal Facebook account. In doing so I have accepted friend request from people I haven’t seen or spoken to in years (i.e., extended family, old high school classmates, etc). Because of this I have made a conscious decision NOT to broadcast my sexual orientation.

My profile doesn’t include anything in the section about sexual preference or relationship status. I don’t have any old pictures of me and my ex-girlfriends on my profile. When people have asked me if I am married or have kids I simply say NO.

This situation got me wondering, am I as comfortable with my sexual orientation as I pretend to be? I don’t think so.

If I were I wouldn’t care what these people think of me. I would have a “fuck it” attitude and be done with it.

I’m trying to figure out where my apprehension comes from, but I simply think I don’t want to be judged, discriminated against, or disowned.

Sigh…