I wrote this letter for Sapphire weeks ago (and edited/rewrote it yesterday), but I never gave it to her. I’m not sure I will give it to her. When I picked up my pen and started writing I had You Are Everything The Stylistics on repeat. The song prompted me to write the letter. Keep in mind The Stylistics are my favorite group and this song has always been my favorite song…
Is it really over? Are we really prepared to walk away from each other and never look back?
I’ve tried to walk away, but I keep coming right back. I can’t stop loving you, thinking about you, and wanting you. I wonder what you’re doing and who you’re doing it with when you’re not here next to me.
Is it another woman? Does she look at you the way that I do? Has she taken my place?
I know I don’t have a right to feel this way. You were more than patient with me. When you knew my desires didn’t align with the things I said you kept quiet until you couldn’t keep quiet anymore. I imagine my marriage proposal must have seemed like a joke to you, but I promise you it came straight from my heart.
I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t like feeling venerable, but I can’t help feeling that way when pouring my heart out on a sheet of paper.
When I used to close my eyes and imagine my wife a voluptuous black woman with an afro, brown eyes, cute smile, and a brilliant mind used to play in my mind. I never would have imagined that a beautiful blue eyed, sexy, and brilliant white woman would actually be the one to steal my heart and hold it hostage.
I think about you every day, every hour, and every night. I lay in my bed and I walk through this big house of mine lonely and missing you. On my birthday I cried when I realized I’m thirty-thirty years old and I live in a three-storied townhouse alone. This house has always seemed too big for just me, but on that day it felt like an empty palace. I cried when I realized there are two empty bedrooms in this house that could be filled with you and our kids. Most of all I cried listening to my damn thoughts.
I’ve tried to forget every memory of us, but it’s useless. You’ve been the most stable woman in my life and I miss that. I miss you.
I’m not ashamed of you or my feelings for you.
I’m ashamed of me.
I’m too troubled, prideful, and conflicted to admit the prejudice I feel toward what seems like ALL whites is ignorant bullshit. It’s been the only thing that kept me from putting a ring on your finger years go. It’s been the only thing stopping me from seeing you….for you….one of the most thoughtful, loving, and wonderful people I’ve ever met.
I’m sorry for being ignorant. I’m sorry for being selfish. I’m sorry if you think I wasted your time and wasted years of your life. I promise you I am making an honest effort to be a better woman. I’m trying to let the hate go. Baby, I’m trying…
It’s ironic that the person I want to spend my life with is a white woman. I would have never thought it possible. It’s like God decided to make me see the error of my ways in the most wonderful way….through love.
And I love everything about you.
When you’re alseep next to me I love the way you wrap your body around mine. When you text me I love the way you tell me, “Have a good day Bae!” When you come over I love the way you make it a habit to bring me scented candles. When I come over I love the way you drop everything and embrace me with a big hug.
I don’t want to let these things go. I don’t want to let you go. I’m sick, sad, and pretty damn miserable without you in my life.
I love you. I don’t know what I have to do to make you see that, but I’m dedicated to doing whatever I have to do. I don’t ever want you to feel like second best or a consolation prize. You are everything to me and no other woman will ever take your place in my heart or in my life. I promise you that.
I don’t know what the future holds for us or if there is a future for us, but I hope this letter and my words open the door.
Always and Forever,
(Insert my name)