This past week I experienced a moment of clarity like nothing else I’ve ever experienced in my life. I don’t believe in ghost or spirits. I’ve never been a religious woman, or even spiritual woman for matter. With that said, I’m not quite sure how to explain the emotions that came over me…
This all started on Monday night while I was laying in bed beside Sapphire. I was staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night when I suddenly began to think about my grandma. I started thinking about an old photo I remember seeing of grandma standing in front of an old house that looked like a dilapidated shack.
The photo is a black and white photo that was shot in the 1950s. Grandma, who was young at the time, stood in front of the house smiling while holding my aunt Peggy. My aunt Neecy, who couldn’t have been anymore than three years old, stood right beside them. In the background of the black and white photo stood a shack with a crumpling front porch similar to the one in the photo above.
I’ve only seen this photo once in my life. I’m not even sure why it suddenly popped into my mind, but once it was there tears began to roll down my face. I got up from bed, went into the bathroom, and fell to the floor in tears. I mean I was sobbing.
Suddenly everything became so clear. I spent a whole year bitching and moaning about living in a big house by myself. I spent a whole year thinking about putting my house back on the market because I felt it was too big of a house for just me. I spent a whole year thinking how lonely I am in this house when I should have been grateful to have such a nice house when some people have nothing.
I should have been happy to live in a house that I could afford without any help. After all, there was a time when I didn’t have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out. My home should have been a crowning achievement for me (and for the first few moments it was). The bottom line is I should have been counting my blessings. Once this moment of clarity hit I began to feel ashamed of myself and the tears began to flow harder.
I thought about a conversation I remember having with my grandma. She told me when she first bought her house (not the shack in the picture, but the home I would grow up in as a child) it only had three rooms and no plumbing. Eventually, plumbing was installed along with a kitchen, a bathroom, and another bedroom. She did this by herself while working for scraps as a domestic in white people’s homes. She did this by herself without the help of a man. She did this by herself while taking care of and raising 5 children alone.
Again, as I thought about this the tears continued to flow.
The next day I texted my aunt Neecy to ask her about the black and white photo I remember seeing….
I spent the remainder of the week having conversations with grandma in my dreams. I literally dreamed about grandma the entire week. I don’t know if this is her way of talking to me or not, but the message has been received and I’m grateful.
This house…my house…is going to be where Sapphire and I start and grow our family. For now on I’m going to be forever grateful for what I have, and I’m going to work tirelessly to pay it off and maintain it.