At various points in my life I have thought about taking my life. Often during those times there was nothing really wrong in my life. I was employed, healthy, and at least functional. But there was something wrong. I found it hard to live day-to-day and to cope with the world. Things I would see on television would bother me. Things I saw on social media would bother me. Things I heard bothered me. And I had no one to talk to about it. I’m not even sure why I had (have) this problem.
This is still the case today. There are times when I come home from work angry. Sapphire tires to understand, but she never will get it. So, instead of trying to explain it I go into my office, close the door, and I sit in there for a few hours until I find myself able to speak to other people without snapping at them.
I don’t blame Sapphire for not understanding. I mean how could she? She has no clue what it’s like to be a black woman working in corporate America where you get to watch as people who are less qualified than you get promoted simply because they are white and they had someone who helped them climb the ladder. Sapphire works for herself and she comes from money. She’s never known what it’s like to be poor, struggling, and scared to death that those dark days might one day return if I’m not careful with my money and if I make one bad decision.
If Sapphire falls on her ass she has her parents’ money to fall back on. If I fall on my ass there is no safety net.
I’ve tried talking to my mother only to be told, “You should pray about it.” Each and every time I hear this bullshit I feel like screaming. Instead, I just hang up the goddamn phone.
What about friends? The truth is I don’t have that many. This is partly by choice. I don’t trust people. The few I do have are off living their lives as married women with children. The last thing they want to hear is my issues.
I’m lonely….though I have no reason to be because I have a loving partner. This makes me think loneliness is a state of mind. You can have everything you need in life, and still feel lost. Most days I’m fine, but them there are those days where my mind seems to go to a very dark place. I have no clue how to fix it.
I can’t really explain it but something is bothering me. The only problem is I’m not sure what that something might be. I wonder if it’s something related to my hormones. At night I sometimes wake up to find my heart racing as if I just got done running 5 miles rather than sleeping in my bed. I’ve made an appointment to see my doctor because I know that isn’t normal. Both my parents suffer from heart disease. So, it’s not far fetch to believe this could be an issue for me as well.
I don’t have a support system in my life. The one I did have (grandma) is long dead.