I can’t do it anymore. God knows I have tried. I’ve had this blog for ten years, and you’ve read my struggle with finding a childless, educated, attractive, black lesbian who is comfortable with her sexual orientation. Hell, this has been the most reoccurring rant on this blog. If you’re not familiar with my rants I suggest you visit the archives of this blog and my old blog.
Some of my relationship woes are my fault. I own up to the reality that I can be a bitch. I can be selfish and I do have a “wandering eye” as one of my readers put it, but I also have some good qualities. I’m honest, polite, loving, physically attractive, educated, making good money, own my own house, cars, etc.
However, there is no way in hell anyone is going to convince me that I deserve the bullshit I have been attracting since I was a teenager.
I have always tried to be the type of black lesbian I hoped to attract. Unfortunately, I have only ever received the complete opposite of myself…with a few exceptions.
Here is the story behind the final straw…
I’ve known this woman for years. We used to work together. Only recently did I learn that she is a lesbian as I never asked about her personal life. In hindsight, I should have known because all signs pointed to a lesbian.
She is 33 years old just like me. She has a master’s degree….just like me. She is a cute and cheerful light-skinned sister with long jet black hair. She is a gold star lesbian just like me. She’s been an active lesbian since she was a teenager just like me.
All things considered, this woman should have been a perfect match for me. Our association has always been casual, but recently I thought why not take a chance.
She pretty much friend zoned me, and then she dropped this bomb on me…
Yes, you read that right.
This thirty-three year old educated, childless, black lesbian, who is comfortable with her sexual orientation told me she likes women who are THUGS. Not only does she like them, but she seems to be conscious of the reality that they don’t work out for her for obvious reasons.
This woman likes and prefers the hardcore, masculine, criminal record having black studs, who have swallowed every negative stereotype associated with black hyper-masculinity.
I don’t even know where to begin with this one.
I am not going to lie. My pride was shot. I wasn’t expecting this from her, and yeah, it stabbed me like a knife.
I have bitched and complained over and over again on this blog about the restrictive gender roles black lesbians expect in relationships. I am and always have been a feminine tomboy. I am not a stud. I have never tried to be a stud. I have no desire to be a stud.
I not only like having sex with feminine women, but I like looking in the mirror and seeing a feminine woman. It is truly disturbing that MOST of the black lesbians I run across don’t feel the same way. Many will flat-out reject me because I am not a stud, and many will flat-out reject me because I’m a soft feminine woman.
This has happened to me so many times that I’ve lost count.
Here is another uncomfortable truth…
I do not have this issue with non-black women.
They accept me for me. I don’t sit around feeling rejected by a lesbian because I’m feminine (an oxymoron if I’ve ever seen one).
I don’t feel like I’m being required to play a role that is NOT me to attract them. It is for this reason that I’m hopping the fence, and I’m staying my ass over here.
You can’t say I didn’t try.